iWrite

Love is a four-letter word beginning with a 'C'.

2008-01-06T00:25:00.000-08:00

We were given a Gift, one so unlikely that most people never even come close to touching in their entire lifespan on the planet.

Two individuals.

So madly, insanely, perfectly, matched.
Too fucking amazing.
Falling simultaneously into knowing.
Led by fate.

And you used it, abused it.
And threw it back.

What a moron.

It's dead now.

Something so painfully rare, so beautiful, so powerful and so fragile... terminated. Aborted by your fear, selfish greed, dishonesty and sheer and utter, juvenile cowardice.

It's dead now. And soon the memories of the shining moments we shared will fade completely away, and it will be as if The Gift we shared had never come into being.

You fell into the trap of probabilities.
Terrified yourself with all of the statistics and textbook facts.
And couldn't screw up the courage to even try to check on the simple reality.

Your deceit hurt me.
As I have never been hurt.
In ways I swore never to be hurt.

And I'm thankful for the blessing that revealed the horrible depth of your character flaws early.

So, yes, I am amused.

You'll never find out how little of what you were so afraid of, fleshed out so frighteningly with facts and figures, was real.

...

And me?

I'm glad.

We become what we are through the choices we make. And now I know I wouldn't have liked what I would have become, from choosing a life with you.

I've found out, I'm stronger than I thought. Or perhaps, I've become stronger.

Embarrassment, shame and fear have lost their stranglehold over me.

I've discovered that often one's deepest fears are not as bad as all that when they come true.

Frankly my dear, now I find I don't give a damn, and it's what I've been trying to do for the longest time.

So thrown back into the shallow but vast waters of the dating world, I immerse myself in the comfort and security of an individual who i think can surprise me.
Peering carefully into the world of a man whose existence is quite possibly the antagonist of my own.

The previous love that i was catapulted into was beyond anything that i have ever encountered. the realness that I envisioned was love, may not have been that at all. perhaps, my perception of love had just been as juvenile as your actions throughout our year plus relationship.
So here i am, back to the future. faced with the varying degrees of the love that i thought had once encountered.

practical love. See...this is what always gets to me. There is wild-assed crazy in love and all that entails and then there is steady, stable love that supports me and ensures I don't get too out of hand. The question is, which do I prefer? And I suppose it's not a pressing question at the moment, considering the act that;

a.) I'm not exactly certain i am able to differentiate the two,

and

b.) nowhere am I pressed or in the position to be throwing that word around with the individual i am currently, well 'involved' with.

I am capable of taking care of myself, but it is nice to have a love that checks in. It is nice to have a love that thinks about me above others. It is nice to have a love that calls to make sure I am ok before I go to bed at night, when I'm having a rough day. All of these things are nice. And practical. But are they sustainable?

He breaks me, he mends me. Its a quintessential element of our so-called relationship. furthermore, to complicate things, we are opposites. in ever aspect. i never truly believed in Freud's whole opposites attract theory, in fact, i strongly devour the argument that Reinforcement and attraction are positively correlated, the more reinforcement one gets, the more attraction one feels.

Is it more of a gamble to invest myself in love that flirts in and out and fills me with inspiration, but cannot be counted on for any other purpose? I'm not sure. Steadfastness and stability seems less of a risk, but is it, really? Are there guarantees in any of it? It seems like, in the end, the odds are about even.

Is it selfish for me to want both? To rely upon the love that is there and true, and eternally flirt with the muse - in whatever form she takes. Perhaps it is true that no one person will ever satisfy me. Funny that in saying that, and living it, I run the risk of being alone forever.

& who knows.

maybe I'm better off.

2007-10-25T07:10:00.000-07:00

Whatever the reason, whether it's them, whether it's you, whether it's timing or circumstances out of your control, when you can't have the one you want, the one you really want, the one you know deep down was put on this earth for you and you alone, the standard for what you'll allow to come after them is inextricably tied - and unavoidably lowered due - to the still-fresh memory of the one from which you were forced to walk away.

Put simply, you rebound.

And while this sort of relationship can work and has worked, for the most part, the allure of having something new and of being seen with something new, regardless of its inadequacy, will rapidly lose its lustre and thrust you head and heart first into one of those I'll-never-find-something-better phases.

That's presently where I am. But it's not exactly what you may be thinking. My heart is broken, yes, and I have been trying to move on with limited success due to both my unwillingness to accept the so-not-my-choice departure of "the one" and because of the string of vastly inferior replacements with which I've attempted (and patently failed) to fill this gaping void.

moving on.

the moral of the story is.

2007-10-04T09:21:00.000-07:00

I always used to write about reaching crossroads, trying to decide which path is less destructive, evidently attempting to determine the most constructive option. I never really understood or believed in the concept of fate, or everything happens for a reason, so these paths that I spoke of were inevitably becoming more and more twisted, with each block so to speak containing multiple veins of challenges and opportunities. Of course, that is the concept of growing up. I am now a young woman with these choices at every corner. My options far exceeding those that I had once thought were available to me. Surrounding myself with positive acquaintances, supportive friends, and family with undying love, I have finally come to understand the road to my happiness. Reading 'the secret' that has become a phenomenon due to Oprah, and following the mantras of the Dali lama, although motivational, perhaps just gave me that drive to ultimately determine what exactly would make me complete.
Rarely able to admit my flaws, I have come to understand and appreciate them. Each negative quality that i previously allowed to consume me, is now something that makes me strive to be better. Naturally, there will be times where i choose the wrong path, and wind up in foreign territory. However, utilizing my previous mistakes as a sense of direction, will allow me to reach a familiar destination.
It has occurred to me that "everything happens for a reason", does in fact play a large role in my life. I have come to believe without fate the decisions that are 'under the radar' , would go unanswered. Nonetheless, one can not expect life to just happen. Well, at least the way you'd like it to.
A combination of fate, and drive to reach the destination of happiness and success is my 'secret' in which I am living by.

the single life.

2007-10-03T10:35:00.000-07:00

As the months of summer turn from fall to winter, the hands that once had held martinis and beers are now finding their way to another. But being single doesn’t mean being an outcast, and we, and by 'we' I mean I, often experience a twinge of “social stigmatism” of being single, especially during the holidays in December, January and February.
It never fails that there’s a favorite aunt or uncle, maybe even your grandparents or friends, that wonder aloud why you’ve not settled down, met someone nice and and stay with them long enough to at least see the following holiday. Of course, these loved ones mean well but what they don’t understand is the key to your being okay with “singlehood” is your strong Sense of Self. Your Sense of Self is comprised of the What, Who and How you are: What you present to the world, Who you truly are within, and How you blend the two in authenticity. After my year and a bit long relationship at an age of immaturity, I presented the “what” that I thought others needed to see, and what I wanted them to see – devastated, scorned, but dealing with it bravely – which worked really well in gaining favor from my friends and family over my ex. But after several months of this presentation, things didn’t feel right within. My “who” was screaming to be released. After obtaining a job with opportunities galore, I begin to recognize that “what” I’d been presenting to the world was not “who” I truly was; for I had adopted the role of “ex-girlfriend” as my identity.
With continued advances in my personal, and career life, I learned more about WHO I am as a person, not as an ex-girlfriend. Empowered, I dropped the victim role and embraced WHO I was as a single woman in a new and exciting adventure! After several more months of developing my Sense of Self, which positively impacted all areas of my life, I became very comfortable being single, holding the attitude and knowing that for me, it is temporary. Many singles may choose being single as a permanent lifestyle, for it does have many advantages. But being happily single, whether you choose it as a permanent or temporary lifestyle is the result of your Sense of Self – the foundation upon you which you connect WHO you are with WHAT you present to the world. The “how” piece of this puzzle is how you live it. For those who seek another relationship, many singles get into trouble when they begin to define who they are by whether they are in a relationship or not. Being guilty of this myself, the single doesn’t feel they are “complete” without a relationship. (Jerry McGuire set Sense of Self back with the “You complete me” line!). Relationship partners are complimentary – not completions. For me personally, I am empowered! I've had more dates in this small time frame than I ever had in any other. And though not all of them worked out the way I hoped or wanted, they were enjoyable and easily manageable; and when they didn’t work out, I was still happily single thanks to my strong Sense of Self. But despite a successful period of dating, and enjoying myself, I know that for me personally, being single is temporary because I seek to have a man to compliment my life. How you live as a single is a personal choice, and one does not need to be coupled to have a fulfilling life! Encompassed within the strengthening of one’s Sense of Self is self-love. Self-love is the foundation upon which to build your life – not a relationship! Once I figured this out, my life became more meaningful, enjoyable and fulfilling because I stopped looking to an external source, a.k.a. a bf, and began looking within. So now when that my grandmother queries aloud why Mr. Right hasn’t come along, I am empowered to smile with confidence and honestly say that I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. And if you choose to change your status of single to one of dating, you can do so from a place of empowerment. Because with a strong Sense of Self, you are full of self-love, and with self-love, you are open to give and receive love which further empowers the relationship to blossom into a healthy inter-dependent partnerships, allowing you both to be authentic in WHAT, WHO and HOW you are in your personal journey, and in your journey together.

life of a mod-yup

2007-10-02T14:06:00.000-07:00

Lists and lists cover the table of my humble, semi-furnished, 16Th floor apartment in Yaletown. Various classes ranging from ballroom dancing, to hot yoga, from tanning memberships to cable packages. Enrolled...? none.
Stacks of magazines with titles such as Vogue, W, and In Style litter the couches, post-its covering the pages..desires? naturally.. affordable? hardly.
Cupboards are empty, fridge is rarely stocked with food, yet almost always you could find a bottle of wine.
A short distance to a vast amount of eateries, lounges, bars, nightclubs and spas. Frequency of use? I'm sure my bank statement could give you some insight.

This is the life of me. A mod-yup.

Mod-Yup:
a young, urban, MODERATELY professional individual.

Yes, my rent is sky high, just like my view.
Is it worth it?
Absolutely.

Moving out of the home I was provided with since childhood was hardly a simple task. Learning to manage my finances, spend money on cleaning supplies and bills, and working non stop just to support the bare-minimum lifestyle, was definitely an experience I try hard to forget.
Now, two months in, its becoming normal. My roommate and I have discovered that life isn't a box of Prada shoes, nor is it possible to purchase them on our salary. We have learned the methods of our mothers, scary thought, such as buying six jugs of laundry detergent when its on sale. We have developed the ability to say " I cant afford that right now", or "definitely next pay cheque". Subway is our new hot spot, and yes, we now understand the power of networking.

I suppose these are all lessons that I would've eventually had to learn, and as much as I miss those home cooked meals, I wouldn't change what I have for the world.

... well maybe a new Gucci bag.